Some people, while trying to create a loving relationship, can become very demanding with high levels of expectations and accompanying criticism. This can develop into
- excessive seriousness
- lack of trust in their partners.
This state of being might not have existed or was unnoticeable before the relationship got going. This is because controllers highly value a loving relationship and invest heavily in its success. In their view everything they are doing or expecting is simply to make the relationship more loving and it is hard for them to see that this can in any way be harmful.
They feel shocked or hurt when accused of being controlling or too demanding often saying they are doing everything they can to build this relationship. Logically they explain all the
that they have contributed and often it is substantial and difficult to dismiss.
All these good deeds are not the problem rather it is the attitude or expectation in which they are offered and the belief that there will be a reward for such deeds. While these deeds are performed with the best of intentions from the controller there is a hidden underlying element to them that ultimately works in favour of the controller’s reality rather than the partners. Often the partner has not requested or expected such deeds but has now become indebted to the controller without being asked or giving permission. The controller feels letdown and hurt that his or her deeds are not appreciated and banks more resentment.
Sometimes controllers are distorting their reality so they perceive what they contribute has much more value than their partner’s contributions. Also they perceive that their values are more important, more right and try to convince their partner of this.
This obvious yet hard to define or discuss pattern can lead to serious disappointment and division in relationship leaving each partner bewildered and isolated.