Why do we Need to Control?

Some people, while trying to create a loving relationship, can become very demanding with high levels of expectations and accompanying criticism. This can develop into

  • excessive seriousness
  • over-responsibility
  • frustration
  • disappointment
  • lack of trust in their partners.

This state of being might not have existed or was unnoticeable before the relationship got going. This is because controllers highly value a loving relationship and invest heavily in its success.  In their view everything they are doing or expecting is simply to make the relationship more loving and it is hard for them to see that this can in any way be harmful.

They feel shocked or hurt when accused of being controlling or too demanding often saying they are doing everything they can to build this relationship. Logically they explain all the

  • organising
  • initiating
  • planning
  • doing

that they have contributed and often it is substantial and difficult to dismiss.

All these good deeds are not the problem rather it is the attitude or expectation in which they are offered and the belief that there will be a reward for such deeds. While these deeds are performed with the best of intentions from the controller there is a hidden underlying element to them that ultimately works in favour of the controller’s reality rather than the partners. Often the partner has not requested or expected such deeds but has now become indebted to the controller without being asked or giving permission. The controller feels letdown and hurt that his or her deeds are not appreciated and banks more resentment.

Sometimes controllers are distorting their reality so they perceive what they contribute has much more value than their partner’s contributions. Also they perceive that their values are more important, more right and try to convince their partner of this.

This obvious yet hard to define or discuss pattern can lead to serious disappointment and division in relationship leaving each partner bewildered and isolated.

What Now?

It is vital to the health and happiness of any relationship to dismantle such a pattern discovering and exploring the beliefs, expectations and values that enable such a pattern to arise.

The therapies I employ are not only powerful in assisting clients to free themselves of such negative patterns but also to live from healthier, more open and respectful beliefs and values that create happiness and nurture a loving space.

Free yourself now by calling me and start building a real loving space for you and your partner.

Call Now: 0409 551 475

1 reply
  1. Amanda
    Amanda says:

    I am grieved to admit I have a mother who’s behaviour is very similar to what you have described in this article. For so long I thought it was something I did that resulted in her behaving this way. A decision that could understandably result form a child without the cognitive abilities to see from a more detached perspective. It is only recently that I have been able to see from a different perspective that her demands/expectations of me and others are not our responsibility to meet. Unfortunately despite the change in my own way of seeing things, mum continues to behave in the same manner, I confess that maybe I have an unrealistic expectation that Mum SHOULD stop behaving in this manner, lol …
    We (the kids) have confronted her with our experience of her behaviour toward us and this was met with firm denial and self-righteous comebacks that she doesn’t behave this way. Her behaviour wears me down and I find myself swinging from feeling beaten and defeated to thinking maybe the answer is to leave town so I don’t have to deal with her – that would be wonderful. However the facts are that i am likely to find myself having to deal with these behaviours in other relationships so possible better to find some other ways to deal with this. Sometimes I’m able to view her behaviour as an inconvenience – that helps. Sometimes I’m able to relaxmy demands on how she is to behave that helps to. Thanx for the article has been helpful for me to read. Blessings

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